“Apologizing does not always mean you're wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego.”
― Mark Matthews

All families experience conflict and the only way to manage the conflict is through respectful communication, apologies, and changed behavior. But, when parents and their adult children find themselves at odds about the past, conflict seems to only intensify and repair becomes impossible. Parents and their adult children have their story and they’re sticking to it.

Last week I shared some of the reasons why parents struggle to apologize to their children and why some adult children struggle to communicate when they want an apology. I have noticed that, when met with the request for an apology or accountability, some parents become so overwhelmed with shame, guilt, or another big feeling that they say things like:

“I guess I was just the worst parent ever!”
“You think you had it bad? You should see the other parents out there. You’re lucky.”
“I did the best I could.”
“We can’t change the past. There’s no reason to discuss this.”
“That’s not what happened.”
“You have no idea how hard it was for me to raise you.”

All of these responses scream: I can’t hold space for two realities, my feelings are so overwhelming and I can’t hear you, I don’t want to discuss this.

Remember: Every parent on this planet is going to come up against a challenge in life that will have an impact on their kids. If your adult child brings up their childhood, it’s not because they want to shame you or call you the “worst parent ever.” They are very likely seeking connection and repair.

In this moment you have a choice: listen and take accountability for your part or put up a wall between you that will inhibit connection until this issue is repaired.

This is the second subscriber only email in the November Series: Parents and Apologies. In this email I discuss:

what a real apology sounds like
how parents can take accountability and apologize
how an adult child can respond to things like, “I guess I’m just the worst parent then!”
how a lack of parental accountability can turn into gaslighting
how to accept your parents apology and cautiously move forward
I also share the link for the live and recorded Q+A on November 18

If you want to catch up before reading, here is email 1: All I Want Is An Apology.

It’s Not Too Late To Apologize

“The non-apologizer walks on a tightrope of defensiveness above a huge canyon of low self-esteem.” Harriet Lerner

Good Enough

I Guess I'm Just The Worst Parent Ever.

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