I Apologized And My Adult Child Still Won’t Speak To Me
I Apologized And My Adult Child Still Won’t Speak To Me
Why?
“I apologized and they still want nothing to do with me.”
“How many times do we have to bring up the past? I said I’m sorry.”
“I said I’m sorry. It’s time to move on and get over it.”
These comments (& others like them) regularly land on my social media pages from parents of adult children who report they have attempted to repair, only to be rejected by their adult children. I try to understand and empathize with them.
I understand how difficult it is to get to the stage of actually issuing an apology. I hear how their parents never apologized and they had no role model for this type of repair. I empathize with how challenging it is to admit you did something wrong. I hear the shame, embarrassment, and guilt bubbling up. I wonder about their own individual challenges, what their childhood was like, and if they genuinely felt as if they did their best because it was light years better than what they experienced as children. Sometimes I really think they did do their best, and it still wasn’t enough.
I also think about their adult children. The ones who have probably heard these apologies before, only to be disappointed by more of the same behavior. I think about the apologies that were fueled by drugs or alcohol and suddenly disappeared from their memory the next morning. I hear about apologies with conditions like, “I only did this because you were so bad” or, “I’m sorry but you have no idea how hard it was to be me.” I think about the adult children who are living in such a vastly different world from their parents. The ones with language like boundaries, feelings, codependency, and trauma and how it feels like they truly cannot understand one another.
I think about the parents who so desperately want to be forgiven and to make the past the past. I think about the adult children who desperately want to feel understood and to have a different future.
You Said You’re Sorry And They Still Won’t Forgive You
So you said you’re sorry and they still don’t want to see you, speak to you, and/or forgive you. There are so many reasons why this may be happening.
Past empty apologies. I want you to take a moment and think about how many times you have apologized for this in the past? Did things ever change or improve? Did you change your behavior? Were boundaries respected? Is there anything that might make this apology less believable?
No behavior change. An apology has to come with behavior change. Without it, the apology is basically worthless. Have you changed your behavior to match the apology?
They need more time. It takes time and repetitive new experiences to believe that an apology is legitimate. This is especially true if there have been several empty apologies in the past. The deeper the hurt, the more time that will likely be needed.
They are still struggling in their own way. Sometimes anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues come up and adult children are learning how to navigate those issues. Their solution or path to healing might include a lot more solitude and boundary setting. It’s possible to receive an apology and still continue struggling with your mental health.
The hurt was just too deep. In cases of abuse, neglect, or other extreme hurts, your adult child may decide they cannot forgive or have a relationship right now.
They’re going through a normal developmental transition. It is normal for adults and teens to separate from their parents more during different stages of life. It’s possible that they do forgive you and are simply taking time to work through their own life transitions and challenges. Talk to them about this if they’re open to having a conversation.
The apology was not legitimate. If your apology comes with conditions, a lack of behavior change, no accountability, or is defensive, it’s not a real apology. There needs to be a clear understanding of the problem, acknowledgment of what needs to change, and behavior change. “I’m sorry,” is typically not enough to fix these issues.
Other behaviors are still happening. It’s possible that an apology was issues for now event or issue, but other toxic/abusive/neglectful behaviors are still occurring. It may take time to work through each of these issues and create a healthy relationship.
What Do I Do Now?
Make sure your apology was legitimate and that your adult child feels that it was a legitimate apology. Invite them to give you feedback and listen.
Back up your apology with action - every single day. Even when they’re not speaking to you. Show them you mean it.
Give them time and space to work through this on their own. You cannot rush this process.
Respect boundaries and try to show love and care within those boundaries.
Know that some relationships may not be able to be repaired right now. It is painful, but you may have to extend love from a distance at this time.
Talk about it when they want to talk about it. Make sure you are both focused on having respectful conversations without yelling, name calling, threats, etc. If your adult child is behaving in this way, it is ok to set this boundary.
Do not dictate what matters and what doesn’t matter. You are not the authority on what is a “big deal.” Maintaining relationships often requires listening, seeking understanding, and validating, even when you don’t think it was a big deal. You don’t have to agree and if you want to have a relationship, you probably will need to learn to listen and sit with someone in their pain.
If my dad was still alive (and would have read this objectively- questionable at best) I'd have sent this to him. It would have answered his questions on the topic. Basically, deep repetitive hurts + no change = empty apologies.
When I read these articles on apologizing, not pretending, and being the cycle breaker- the “solutions” or hopes that are proposed/given as examples seem light years away for me. I have been going to therapy where my therapist helped me with EMDR, setting boundaries and I’m doing the work on myself. However, light the reader below comments, I believe my parents are unable to actually ever HEAR and take IN that certain behaviors make me uncomfortable, they just find a work around and do what they want anyways. It has led me to distance myself- significantly- since having two daughters. I have told them I will not spend time with them when they drink- which limits what we can do, and even an early 5pm dinner ended with them drinking (at a restaurant). The idea that I would ever have my feelings acknowledged, let alone an apology does not seem possible. They continue the cycle of ignoring basic common curtesy requests because they are unable to stop drinking since they have alcohol use disorders. Therefore I feel like I can’t even tell them about their current hurtful behaviors - like purposefully guilt tripping, ignoring that i asked them not to drink, the silent treatment and and other things like withdrawal of love (which also trigger me from childhood to believe and feel in my body that something worse(like violence) will come if I don’t ignore those behaviors). I used to comply with every wish and now I just distance myself or ignore the snide remarks. I don’t even think I want an apology I think little girl me is hoping they will see my point of view and understand why I don’t want to see them. They act like everything is fine (I’ve only seen them a couple of times this year and via FaceTime) but not I just want more space to heal and focus on myself and not be triggered into walking on eggshells. This email would suggest that the parent is capable of hearing that their behavior was/is hurtful and that they might attempt at apologizing. Can you talk about how it feels in the body to explain to the people who hurt you deeply that they hurt you (physically emotionally abuse)? My situation is not that my parents forgot to pick me up at soccer practice or used poor parenting methods like yelling “stop or I’ll turn off the tv”… mine were physically a sucker to each other, used me as their emotional pillow and were verbally and occasionally physically abusive to me and my brother. I still fear them - it’s not rational but I fear that my father could switch his rage back on- so I was arranging a lot/anticipating with their visits and nowni just can’t do it anymore. I think j wouldn’t be bothered if I saw then once a year with my extended family but I am also scared of losing some of those relationships so I haven’t told them yet that I won’t be planning any more visits unless it doesn’t require work from me. Can you write an article about covert alcoholism and covert abuse that comes with screaming and belittling and how one might overcome the fear in the present day to state their truth? They have NEVER heard or acknowledged my point of view when I was little so then I adapted and just gave them everything they wanted- then I moved away after college and then they retired t the state I live in, only 4 hours away- when it used to be a plane ride. They want access to my daughters and can be thoughtful with gifts but it is costing me emotionally and I come out of body everytime I see them. Additionally somehow- it feels like they can inflict guilt trips and the silent treatment over text message when they don’t get a response fast enough or if they get a response they don’t like. I’m so sad but mostly I’m angry because I deserve to have a better relationship or I wish I had a better relationship with them. Fortunately I married a great person and his family is like my family- not with our occasional dysfunctional behaviors but k feel safe with them and I feel like we do and can talk about things. I want a better future for my daughters and I supposed I’m using this comment to vent/justify why I’m probably going extremely low contact. And I feel guilty bc I don’t even think they’ll here the reason why (based on recent and past experiences) so I’m just going to do it and hammer away at the drinking being the core of the problem, because until they can acknowledge that their behavior when they drink or that they crossed a boundary with me- they aren’t capable of hearing the rest. And it hurts me to think they are calling me crazy and over sensitive- but that is what they do because they don’t take responsibility. From the outside we looked like a perfect family- but they drank every night and still do, drive while intoxicated or with an open container while actively drinking. And I still feel like I should find a way- but that is my conditioning.