How To Accept Who Your Parent Will Never Become

Grieving What Could Have Been And What Never Will Be

As your parent ages, it’s likely they will experiences changes to their physical, emotional, and mental health. Accidents, sudden illness, and substance usage can also impact a parent’s functioning and cause changes in the parent + adult child relationship.

Some adult children may be interacting with parents who have lost their memory, their ability to speak, impulse control, the ability to work or care for themselves physically, and more. In these cases, adult children are often forced to grieve the loss of a parent who never changed and never will. They may also be forced into caring for a parent who never cared for them. This creates a difficult set of circumstances that the adult child must navigate, while managing their own relationships, family, and life.

If you’re in this position, you may be:

• Grieving who your parent never was

• Grieving who your parent never became

• Feeling misunderstood or alone

• Pressured to take care of them even if they never took care of you

• Feeling a storm of conflicting emotions

There is a grief involved in realizing that you will never get the recognition, apology, and behavioral change that you’re looking for. When something happens that forces you to accept this, it often feels different than choosing to accept your parent for who they are and who they will not become.

When you realize that your parent is physically or mentally incapable of having these conversations, apologizing, or taking accountability, you have to find a way to move forward on your own.

Here are some helpful reminders:

• You don’t need your parent to validate your truth for it to be true.

• You know what happened and what you experienced.

• If you know they cannot give you what you need, you can release the pressure of seeking that.

Grieving The Parent-Child Relationship Fantasy

For many adult children, there comes a time when they have to abandon the fantasy of the relationship they wish they had with their parent and accept the one that they do have. This process is often complicated by a parent dying. In this situation, you will have to accept that your parent did not change and there is no future opportunity for change or acknowledgment. While this is sad and challenging, there is also a lot of peace and acceptance that comes during this time.

When a parent is no longer able to neglect, abuse, or interfere in adulthood, the adult child has the space to begin healing.

• Your childhood was hard and it’s over now.

• Your parent was unable to care for you and now you can care for yourself.

• You were helpless as a child and now you have options.

When you release the fantasy of who you wish they were and accept who they are, healing can begin. That healing might be finally grieving the reality that you didn’t get what you deserved as a child. It might mean having a relationship with your parent that is based on who they are in this moment. It might mean setting boundaries and taking space. It might mean waking away completely.

When a parent is no longer present, you can redefine their role in your life and create a new path forward for your family.

If you want to explore this further, join me and Yolanda Renteria for a webinar on Wednesday May 3 or Friday May 5. You’ll learn:

• Why it hurts so much when parents won't apologize

• Understanding and processing unresolved emotions (anger, frustration, and grief)

• Giving yourself what you didn't get - validating your pain

• Reasons why a parent won’t apologize

• How to communicate you want/need an apology 

• How to accept what your parents can and cannot give

This Month I’m Writing About Enmeshed Families

• Week 1: Can A Family Be Too Close?: 15 Signs Your Grew Up In An Enmeshed Family

• Week 2: Why Enmeshment Happens In Families And Who Can Help Prevent It

• Week 3: How Childhood Family Enmeshment Can Negatively And Positively Impact You In Adulthood

• Week 4: Why It's Painful To Realize Your Family Is Enmeshed

• Week 5: How To Have A Tight Knit Family And Good Boundaries

• May 29 at 10:30AM Q&A: Enmeshed Families