1: All I Want Is An Apology
When parents can't apologize to their adult children.
I ran a poll among my email subscribers last week, here are the results:
21% of respondents have heard their parents apologize “a few times” and a whopping 2% report that their parents apologize regularly. Hundreds of people have told me that they believe their relationship with their parent(s) would improve if they would just acknowledge the hurt and apologize. So, why is it so hard for parents to apologize?
I have a few theories that I’ve shared before:
Low self worth. People who refuse to apologize often have extremely low self-worth. Their fragile egos cannot absorb the blow of admitting they were wrong.
They did not learn how to apologize. People who are raised in homes where apologizing was seen as weakness, or where healthy apologies were not modeled, may struggle with apologizing themselves.
Admitting they were wrong is too painful. Shame is such a powerful emotion that some people would rather lose everything than admit they were wrong.
They can’t separate their actions from who they are. People with a fragile sense of self often believe that if they admit to doing something “bad,” that means they are bad.
They are uncomfortable with the emotions that arise when apologizing. Some people will avoid apologizing to escape any feelings of anger, sadness, or any other threatening feelings.
They grew up with “mother/father always knows best” messaging. Some parents were led to believe that apologizing to their child makes them inferior and weak. In an attempt to maintain their perceived position of superiority, they will withhold any apologies.
They are not sorry. Some people genuinely believe they did their best and/or they were not wrong. Nothing you say will change their opinion. Honestly, they’re better off not apologizing if they’re not actually sorry.
They are not willing to change their behavior. If someone feels like their apology will require them to change, they may avoid apologizing to avoid changing or being held to a new standard.
The Adult Years Are Some Of The Hardest For Parents
I genuinely believe that we have left parents feeling absolutely unprepared for some of the most challenging years of parenting: adulthood. We focus so much on those early (and very important) years and leave parents high and dry when their children turn 18.
The absolute flood of parenting information online has also left adult children and their parents feeling utterly confused. What was once seen as a “best practice” is now frowned upon by parenting experts. I empathize with parents who are looking back on those early years of time outs, “toughen up” rhetoric, and cry it out sleep training. I understand when they say they tried their best. Many of these parents do love their children and were simply parroting what their pediatrician, neighbor, or a popular expert of the time told them to do. Things were very different 20 years ago. We didn’t have message boards and parenting experts at our fingertips. Many of these parents are just people who had kids and did exactly what their parents did.